I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I won't
You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
So call me by my name
And save your soul
Save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done
..... ..... ..... ..... .....
Through this song, Christ saved my life from the lie of depression. Through a movie soundtrack, Jesus found a way to crack into my heart when I'd decided I didn't really matter any more. Through my self-induced darkness, He found a way to send a thin strand of light. "Save your soul, before you're too far gone, before nothing can be done."
Six years ago, my father took his own life. Little did he know he would be taking the lives of his family with him. We were swallowed by a great abyss of sadness and silence after he left. I felt as if I'd been dragged to the bottom of the ocean and left, alone, in a deep black cave with no light and only a pocket of air.
A year went by. I breathed in and out. I swallowed some food. I survived.
I had been on maternity leave when it happened. A year later I was headed back to work. In a way, it was good for me to rejoin "normal" life. But my soul had been scraped from it's shell. I was robotic. I literally had to remind myself to smile at Dakota when I came home. There were almost no voluntary positive responses left in me.
Then work started to pile up. It was too much to bear. So I just sat there one night, with my cheek flat on my desk, staring at the mound of work to complete. I didn't even feel the need to move. Ever. I know I sat there for hours, half expecting to just be absorbed into the desk. I never considered taking my own life, I just decided I'd be done functioning. Completely.
But there was music playing.
I hadn't even noticed it until I heard the words of the last few lines. I reached up and played the song again. I started to mouth the words. Waking my numb limbs, I stretched out to the zing of a hundred ants stinging my legs as they started to wake up. I played it again. I was singing along, my head on my hand. How long had it been since I sang? Again and again I played this song. Down in that deep cave, under miles of black waters, Jesus came looking for me. Once I accepted what those words were meant for, I felt my entire body flush with remorse. A timid, weak whispered prayer was sent; my savior sitting right next to me.
I wasn't on the surface yet, but I was ready to leave that cave with Him and never come back.